“Cool as Ice” Podcast Movie Review

By Daniel Barnes on July 30, 2019

Cool as Ice (1991; David Kellogg) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 43

“He is devoid of personality, and he’s supposed to be the lead of a movie that people are drawn to. Why does anybody not find this man repellant?”

Put on your Gaultier sunglasses and graffiti-tagged parachute pants for this special episode of the Dare Daniel podcast. Apprentice DJ Daniel Barnes and dance floor dry-humper Corky McDonnell review Vanilla Ice in Cool as Ice. The lone star vehicle for this “preening, smirking void,” Cool as Ice is utterly fascinating and brutally unwatchable at the same time.

The Artist Formerly Known as Rob Van Winkle plays John “Johnny” Van Owen, a charmless, disgusting misogynist and talentless performer. It’s quite literally the part he was born to play. Stuck in a small town, Johnny pursues newsworthy “good girl” Cat after a meet-hate involving some light animal abuse. Like everyone else in the town, Cat is inexplicably mesmerized by this loathsome, smarmy, schlong-schlinging stalker, thief and pseudo-rapist.

Most definitely not a remake of The Wild One, Cool as Ice marked the first major American film for cinematographer Janusz Kaminski. Just two years later, Kaminski would win the Oscar for Schindler’s List. Despite Kaminski’s participation, Cool as Ice revels in embarrassing camera tricks, The Grind-level production design and boing-boing comedy sound effects. Follow the lead of Naomi Campbell and exit this film after the opening credits.

Elsewhere, Daniel and Corky discuss scholarship papers, forced perspective humor, Ice fu fight scenes and horse pasture dates.

COOL AS ICE FACTS AND FIGURES

U.S. theatrical release date: October 18, 1991

Domestic box office: $1.2 million (production budget: $6 million)

Critic scores: 7 on Rotten Tomatoes

This week’s craft beer: New Glory Brewing‘s Double Vanilla Mindshaker Milkshake IPA (8.1% ABV)

This week’s Darer: Heather Smith

Why did Heather S. dare Daniel and Corky to watch Cool as Ice? “Because you need to drop that zero, and get with a hero. But this one might be too awful for any human consumption. The whole movie is a cringe-fest, it’s like trying to watch The Office‘s Michael Scott attempt to lead a diversity workshop. If you choose this movie, I cannot be legally held responsible if you roll your eyes so hard in your head that they get stuck. You have been warned.”

IMDB synopsis: “A rap-oriented remake of The Wild One (1953), with heavy emphasis on the fact that Vanilla Ice has assumed the Marlon Brando role.”

This week’s referenced movies: The Wild One; The Ridiculous 6; Schindler’s List; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; xXx; The Fast and the Furious franchise; One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; Grease; Down by Law; A Christmas Story 2; Seabiscuit; Enter the Dragon; Bad Boys; Fifty Shades of Grey movie franchise; Having a Wild Weekend; Crossroads; Elvis movies; Say Anything; Bio-Dome; The Island of Dr. Moreau