“Assassins” Podcast Movie Review

By Daniel Barnes on April 23, 2019

Assassins (1995; Richard Donner) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 37

“We got nada, zilch, zip, zero, dry hump.”

On this jasmine perfume-obsessed episode of the Dare Daniel podcast, quirky-ass hosts Daniel Barnes and Corky McDonnell review the quirky-ass hitmen of Richard Donner’s 1995 snoozer Assassins.

A hilariously pretentious attempt at an existential hitman thriller, Assassins pits Sylvester Stallone’s morose mumbling against Antonio Banderas’ out-of-control mugging.

Essentially a slow-witted-cat-and-overacting-mouse chase movie, Assassins stars Stallone and Banderas as rival hitmen gunning for the number one spot on the hitman charts. Meanwhile, Julianne Moore co-stars as Electra, an off-the-grid “info thief” known only by her “internet logo,” which also contains her e-mail address (it’s meow@comsat.cat, because of computers).

After wistfully recalling meaningful chess games from their pasts, Daniel and Corky talk about cat boyfriends, Banderas memes, magic computers and monorail chases, while also discussing the best ways to casually eat a banana.

ASSASSINS FACTS AND FIGURES

U.S. theatrical release date: October 6, 1995

Domestic box office: $30 million (production budget: $50 million)

Critic scores: 15 on Rotten Tomatoes

This week’s craft beer: Modern Times Brewing‘s Bedrock (6.2% ABV)

This week’s Darer: The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations

Why did The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations dare Daniel and Corky to watch Assassins? “While The Assassins Guild of Assassinations (AGA) is very supportive of movies highlighting the many contributions those skilled in the assassin arts have made to humanity over the years, this movie is a black eye on an otherwise flawless genre of movies. Antonio Banderas plays an “assassin” who can’t get the #1 ranking with the AGA unless he takes out Sly Stallone, who is in the process of retiring from assassinating people?! There are lots of stupid scenes of the two trying to get the drop on each other. And Banderas wearing baseball hats (when he clearly has no idea how they work). Also, Julianne Moore is in it.”

IMDB synopsis: “Professional hit-man Robert Rath wants to fulfill a few more contracts before retiring but unscrupulous ambitious newcomer hit-man Miguel Bain keeps killing Rath’s targets.”

This week’s referenced movies: The Dark Knight Rises; The Goonies; Superman; Lethal Weapon; The Omen; Se7en; Judge Dredd; Jury Duty; The Monuments Men; Pulp Fiction; The Snowman; The Marathon Man; Die Hard; Rain Man; Coco; The Money Pit