“Vampire Academy” Podcast Movie Review

By Daniel Barnes on October 15, 2019

Vampire Academy (2014; Mark Waters) – Scare Daniel Podcast Episode 49

“Bon appetit.”

We’re throwing a princess party in the royal rec room this week on the Scare Daniel podcast. Shopping expedition expert Daniel Barnes and Joely Richardson fanboy Corky McDonnell get ready for the big Equinox Dance by watching Mark Waters’ dreadful Vampire Academy.

Based on Richelle Mead’s popular series of young adult novels, Vampire Academy is one of the most confusing films we’ve ever tried to review. Set in a school that educates both vampires and vampire killers for no reason, Vampire Academy stars Zoey Deutch and Lucy Fry as magically bonded besties. The movie offers 104 minutes of breathless exposition, just one elephant-sized plot dump after another. Of course, the atrocious dialogue, listless direction, lazy performances and Disney Channel production values don’t help. Even fans of the franchise refused to kick in for a sequel.

Elsewhere, Daniel and Corky discuss She-Hulk crossovers, Blood Orange Julius, American Vampire Warrior flirt-fighting and Lady Draco Malfoy.

NEW DARES

In Search of Liberty (Mike Dub)

FeardotCom (Nick Palodichuk, host of the St. Paul Film Podcast)

Hook (Jaina Sinclair)

VAMPIRE ACADEMY FACTS AND FIGURES

U.S. theatrical release date: February 7, 2014

Domestic box office gross: $7.8 million (production budget: $30 million)

Critic scores: 16 on Rotten Tomatoes; 31 on Metacritic

This week’s craft beer: Revision Brewing‘s Playification IPA (6.0% ABV)

This week’s Darer: Matt

Why did Matt dare Daniel and Corky to watch Vampire Academy? “Having seen lots of vampire films, I can tell you that with Transylmania and Ultraviolet you have not even begun to reach the bottom of the barrel. The amount of bad vampire films is endless. But there is one for which I have very high hopes, and that is Vampire Academy. To be clear, this is not anywhere near the worst film ever. However, Vampire Academy is just such a baffling mess. I am sure listeners would enjoy listening to you guys trying to make sense of the many, many subplots.”

IMDB synopsis: “Rose Hathaway is a Dhampir, half human-half vampire, a guardian of the Moroi, peaceful, mortal vampires living discreetly within our world. Her calling is to protect the Moroi from bloodthirsty, immortal Vampires, the Strigoi.”

This week’s referenced movies: God’s Not Dead; Renaissance Man; Ready Player One; Transylmania; Ultraviolet; Once Bitten; The House of Yes; Mean Girls; Just Like Heaven; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Mr. Popper’s Penguins; Heathers; Batman Returns; Happy Cambers; Sex and Death 101; Bright; Let the Right One In; That Awkward Moment; Back to the Future; the Harry Potter, Maze Runner, Twilight and Hunger Games franchises; Angels & Demons; Inferno; Brainscan; Warcraft; Bram Stoker’s Dracula; Miller’s Crossing; Sleepaway Camp; Fifty Shades of Grey; the Star Wars prequels; Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa; I Am Legend; Can’t Stop the Music; An American Werewolf in London; The Last Airbender; Never Been Kissed